Two elegantly dressed fleas stepped out of a swank Manhattan
nightclub and onto the sidewalk. One turned to the other and asked, "Shall we walk or take a dog?"
Famous last words: "I wonder where the mother bear is."
A saleswoman dropped in to see a business customer but found the office
empty, except for a large dog who was busy emptying the wastebaskets. The woman stared at the animal,
thinking her imagination was playing tricks on her.
"Don't be surprised," said the dog, "this is part of my job."
"Incredible!" muttered the woman. "I can't believe it! I'm going to tell
your boss what a prize he has in you — an animal that can talk!"
"No, please don't do that!" begged the dog. "If he finds out I can talk,
he'll have me answering the phones!"
Question: What do you call a big fish who makes you an offer you can't
refuse?
Answer: The Codfather.
Two raccoons boarded an airplane, each carrying two dead vultures. "I'm sorry," the flight attendant told them. "But we only allow one carrion per passenger."
A country gentleman went for a long walk one autumn day and happened to see a hobby farmer approaching an apple tree with a pig under his arm. Intrigued, he stopped to observe. The farmer lifted the pig up to the apple tree, allowed it to eat all the apples it wanted, then returned the animal to its pigpen. He then picked up another pig, carried it to the apple tree and let it consume all the apples it wanted.
The gentleman watched with astonishment as the farmer repeated this routine several times, until finally he could hold his tongue no more. "Surely this is the most inefficient manner in which to feed one's pigs!" he said to the farmer. "Think of the time it would save if you'd simply shake the apples from the tree and let the pigs eat the fruit from the ground!"
As the farmer lifted another pig to the tree, he turned to the gentleman and asked, "What's time to a pig?"
Angry frog seated at a restaurant table: "Waiter! There's no fly in my soup!"
Two women, both dog owners, were arguing over lunch about whose dog was smarter. "My dog is so intelligent," boasted the first woman, "that every afternoon he waits for the paper boy to deliver the paper. Then he picks it up and brings it to me."
"My dog waits for the paper boy too," bragged the second woman. "Then he opens the paper and reads it."
"I know," replied the first woman.
"How do you know?"
"My dog mentioned it in his last email."
Question: How does a dog stop a DVD player?
Answer: He presses the PAWS button.
A cop saw a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins, and he immediately pulled him over. "You can't drive around with a truck full of penguins in this town!" he told the driver. "Take these birds to the zoo, and be quick about it!"
"Okay," replied the driver, who then sped off.
The next day, the cop spotted him driving around with his truck full of penguins again, but this time all the birds wore sunglasses. He pulled the guy over. "I thought I told you yesterday to take those penguins to the zoo!" he demanded.
"I did, officer," said the driver. "Today I'm taking them to the beach."
Question: What do you call a chorus line of rabbits dancing backwards?
Answer: A receding hare line.
A panda walked into a restaurant, sat down and ordered the soup and sandwich special. After finishing his lunch, he stood up, pulled out a gun and shot holes in all the windows. As glass shattered everywhere, he shot out each one of the lights overhead. Then he headed for the door.
"Hey!" shouted the manager. "You can't shoot up my place like this and get away with it! And you didn't pay for your lunch either!"
"I'm a panda!" retorted the animal. "Look it up!" With that, he bolted out of the restaurant.
That night, after the manager had finished filling out a pile of insurance claim forms, he opened his dictionary and read the following entry: Panda: a bear-like mammal inhabiting the mountainous regions of China and Tibet, characterized by distinct black and white markings. Eats shoots and leaves.
Question: What do you get when you cross a termite with a televangelist?
Answer: A bug that says grace before it eats your house.
A duck waddled into a bar one afternoon and ordered a sandwich and a beer. The bartender stared at him and said, "You're a duck! And you can talk!"
"I see your eyes and ears are working," said the duck. "Now what about that beer and sandwich?"
"Coming right up," said the bartender, hopping to it. "We don't see many ducks in here. What are you doing in the neighborhood?"
"Working on the building site across the road," the duck replied. Then he ate his sandwich, drank his beer, paid for his lunch and left. The next day he was back for a sandwich and a beer, and this continued every day for several weeks.
Then one day the circus came to town. The ringleader came into the pub and heard all about the incredible talking duck from the bartender. "Fantastic!" said the ringleader. "Have him come see me!"
The next day, when the duck came in for lunch, the bartender said, "Hey, buddy, I lined you up with a terrific job that pays really good money!" The duck asked where this job was. "At the circus," the bartender replied.
"The circus? That place with all the animals and the big tent?" asked the duck.
"That's right," said the bartender.
The duck thought for a moment, then asked, "What the hell do they want with a plasterer?"
Question: What's worse than a giraffe with a sore neck?
Answer: A centipede with athlete's foot.
Famous last words: "Lend me your handkerchief, I'm going to wipe the foam off that dog's mouth."
A hunter suddenly found himself staring into the face of a 400-pound tiger. The big cat let out with a fierce roar, and the terrified man immediately dropped to his knees, then closed his eyes. When he opened them, he saw the tiger kneeling before him.
"I'm praying for my life," said the hunter. "What are you doing?"
The tiger replied, "Saying grace."
Question: How do parrots stay on their perches?
Answer: They use Polly Grip.
A man walked into a crowded bar with a dog under his arm, placed the animal on the bar and said to the bartender, "This dog can talk."
The bartender said, "I'm busy tonight, buddy, so put your money where your mouth is, or take a hike."
The dog's owner reached into his pocket and produced a bill. "I've got a hundred dollars here for anyone who says he can't talk."
"You're on," said the bartender.
The man looked at the dog and asked, "Who was the greatest ball player of all time?"
"Ruth!" barked the dog.
"All right, buddy," said the bartender, glancing at the bouncer, "you two jokers are out of here!"
After the bouncer ushered them out to the sidewalk, the dog looked up at its owner and said, "DiMaggio?"
Famous last words: "See? It's so tame I can put my head inside its mouth!"
Question: What does an elephant use to wash its tusks?
Answer: Ivory Soap.
Two snakes were slithering along the road, when one turned to the other and asked, "Are we poisonous snakes?"
"Damned right we're poisonous, we're rattlesnakes!" the other reptile answered proudly. "Why do you ask?"
The other one replied, "I just bit my tongue."
Sign in a veterinarian's waiting room: Sit! Stay!
Question: Where does a bumblebee urinate?
Answer: At the BP station.
A man brought a limp parrot into his local veterinary clinic and gently lowered his pet onto the examining table. The vet pulled out his stethoscope, placed its receptor on the bird's chest, then informed him that his parrot had died.
"You haven't done any testing!" cried the man. "I want a second opinion!"
"Very well," said the vet, who turned and left the room. In a few moments, he returned with an orange cat, which he placed on the table. The cat sniffed the bird, then jumped off the table and padded out the door. "There you have it," the vet stated flatly. "Your bird is dead, and you must accept it."
The bereaved man gathered up the remains of his feathered friend, went home and buried him in the back yard.
A week later, he received a bill for seven hundred dollars. Infuriated, he stormed into the clinic. "Seven hundred dollars!" he shouted, waving the bill at the doctor, "just to tell me that my parrot was dead! This is outrageous!"
The vet looked at the bill. "No, it's correct," he replied. "Fifty dollars for the exam, six hundred and fifty for the cat scan."
Elementary school teacher: "Why do firefighters use dogs in their work?"
Class clown: "To find the fire hydrant."
Famous last words: "The trick with a charging rhino is to stand perfectly
still."
If you like animals, you
might enjoy the Animal Faire Oracle Reading. This complimentary all-animal reading accompanies the
Life Purpose Reading. Click here to read about it on the Free Oracle Reading page.
© Sue Annabrooke Jones
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